Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

How does that song go by Neil Sedaka? "Don't take your love away from me, don't you leave my heart in misery. If you go then I'll be blue 'cause breaking up is hard to do.

"The song is the perfect accompaniment to a breakup. It goes through the feelings we all have experienced. You remember the good times and you want them back. In some cases, if you are the one being dumped, you try to get them back. But sometimes you need to realize it's just the end. Or, if you are a positive person, it’s a new beginning.

Everyone handles a divorce or break up differently. We all go about surviving in a different way. I have many friends going through divorces. Some of us had had enough and did the filing ourselves, others had the divorce come at them out of the blue. I think if you are the one filing, it may be a little easier. Not that divorce is ever easy, but emotionally the one doing the filing usually is done with the relationship (not in all cases though).

In the divorce class, we were told that women file the most, and usually by the time they file they have no feelings left. They have been done for a long time. That was true in my case and several of my friend's cases as well. But others were blind-sided. Their exes left them for another woman. Looking back, they could see the signs. But at the time, they had no idea. I think how a person heals after a break up depends on each individual situation.

When you first get divorced several things may happen. You may go out immediately and hit the town picking up anyone you can, trying to forget. "Sewing your oats" as they say: The mentality of "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else."

Others may slip into a deep depression, hiding themselves away.

Either way, you also have the kids to deal with and their emotions, the lawyers, court, dividing the assets; the list goes on and on and on. So divorce does not just bring with it dating, and relationships, it brings a whole new slew of problems.

I did the divorce the cheap way. Gave it all away: no lawyers involved. We went to the courthouse, filed, and two months later went to court. Done, finished. About $255 dollars total ($155 for the filing fee and $50 dollars each for the parenting class). Other friends; two years and counting, lawyer bills racking up, nothing agreed upon, just plain crazy. Obviously if you have kids you need to keep it together for them and put their feeling first. If you don't have kids, the divorce is obviously less complicated.

They say a break up is much like a death. In essence it is. It is a death of a relationship. It’s a death of a period of your life. It may be devastating at the time, but all will go through those steps of "grief"

1. Denial and Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance.

You may not realize you are going through the stages when you are going through them, but if you look back, you will recognize each stage. Every person will go through the stages differently. Some will go through the stages in a matter of weeks; for others it may take years to get through them. It just depends on the person. Sometimes these stages were gone through before the divorce was filed for.

I guess maybe what needs to be remembered is; you are not the only one going thru this. If you need someone to talk to look around, that shoulder to lean on is not very far away.Get your life in order, learn from your experience, reconnect with friends, move forward, and most importantly, take the time needed to heal.

Until tomorrow….