Sometimes I wonder about a little thing called "denial". For me, its denial of age. I hear the number, but it does not compute in my brain. In my heart, I still feel like a kid. An extremely exhausted kid because everything I have been through, but a kid none-the-less.
I want to live life to its fullest. I want to make something of my life. Who doesn't? Everyone does. No one wants to grow old. Everyone wants to make a difference here on earth. You wake up one day and look in the mirror wondering who in the world is staring back at you.
Last weekend I was holding my 4-month-old niece. She is so beautiful. She smiles and makes your heart melt. She makes me want another baby so badly. Someone to love you unconditionally, at least for a little while. As I was holding her she smiled so brightly at me and I said "Maddy, someday I will teach you how to pick up guys". She laughs and my sister-in-law says, "You will be almost 60 when she is 16, like she is going to listen to you?" My jaw dropped. The number was horrendous. No, I do not think I will ever live to that age, but it was like a sledge hammer to the head. Reality came crashing down.
I was watching a show with William Shatner, he was interviewing Judge Judy. Both stated the same thing: You look in the mirror and wonder, "Who is that person looking back at you?" In your mind you are still the same person you were as a child, a teen, a twenty something… but the body, it grows old, the mind does not.
Children are so wonderful. They bring your mind back to that of a child. If I met the right person, yes, I would have another, but I couldn't on my own. Instead, I will love my kids who are to "old" for me to give them a hug right now without them getting embarrassed, and hug my nieces and nephews who still enjoy being held, kissed, and loved.
I love to spoil kids.
My friend, a great friend who lost her 5-year-old son to cancer, just had a little boy too, on Dec 13. A hard day for me because of a break-up the night before via text of all things, but a wonderful, beautiful day for her. I am so happy for her. No one will ever replace the son she lost, but, her new little one will help fill a void in her heart. Children do that. Fill a void. Maybe that is why no one wants to grow old.
The innocence of a child is precious. Their naiveté, their trust, their unconditional love. What a world it would be if we could all be like a child. Children make the world a better place to live. They remind us of better times. Times of no responsibilities, times of truly being free, times of exploration, uninhibited innocence, and wonder. A child is a true gift from God. No one wants to grow old. We all are young at heart. Seriously, I can't see myself as older, but everyone ages. Some of us don't make it to old age, other do. What is age? A number. Just a number. It's what you feel in your heart that counts.
Until next time……
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
2009
December 12th of 2008 was the day I met the con artist. A man I wished badly I had never met. One year later, that same date would be the date I broke up with a man who I had been with 8 months.
I am thinking I may need to avoid men on that date in the future. But, then again, December 12 of 2009 I met a man who has become a great friend. Who knows, is there anything to a date?
2009 came and went. I had a lot of horrible things happen, but a lot tremendous things happened as well. The man I fell in love with and broke up with, I will never regret the time I spent with him. I loved every minute. The con man… I regret that. I regret him. The "May" thing, I learned so much from and am now a completely different person than I ever was. I do wish that it hadn't happened, but you cannot change the past. I have grown up so much during the past year. I would not change the lessons I learned for anything in the world. The things I wished never happened probably made me a stronger woman. Don't get me wrong, I do get scared at times, but, I continue on and remember what I have been through, and yet I still survived. Amazing, really. I believe everyone can probably make the same statement. Would you really change what has happened to you in the past? Those events which took place in your life, good or bad, are what made you who you are today. For better or for worse.
I have failed so much during the past year. But after each failure, I pick myself up, brush myself off and start all over again. The pastor at my church made this statement this past weekend. "Risk boldly, fail spectacularly, and succeed beyond your wildest dreams!" I love that statement. Anyone who knows me well, knows I risk boldly, they also know no one can fail as spectacularly as I. But, I WILL succeed beyond my wildest dreams. I keep trying, I keep failing, but all the failures will lead to my success. Guaranteed!
Until next time…….
I am thinking I may need to avoid men on that date in the future. But, then again, December 12 of 2009 I met a man who has become a great friend. Who knows, is there anything to a date?
2009 came and went. I had a lot of horrible things happen, but a lot tremendous things happened as well. The man I fell in love with and broke up with, I will never regret the time I spent with him. I loved every minute. The con man… I regret that. I regret him. The "May" thing, I learned so much from and am now a completely different person than I ever was. I do wish that it hadn't happened, but you cannot change the past. I have grown up so much during the past year. I would not change the lessons I learned for anything in the world. The things I wished never happened probably made me a stronger woman. Don't get me wrong, I do get scared at times, but, I continue on and remember what I have been through, and yet I still survived. Amazing, really. I believe everyone can probably make the same statement. Would you really change what has happened to you in the past? Those events which took place in your life, good or bad, are what made you who you are today. For better or for worse.
I have failed so much during the past year. But after each failure, I pick myself up, brush myself off and start all over again. The pastor at my church made this statement this past weekend. "Risk boldly, fail spectacularly, and succeed beyond your wildest dreams!" I love that statement. Anyone who knows me well, knows I risk boldly, they also know no one can fail as spectacularly as I. But, I WILL succeed beyond my wildest dreams. I keep trying, I keep failing, but all the failures will lead to my success. Guaranteed!
Until next time…….
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Loneliness
Wow! I did not realize it has been so long since I have updated. Time sure does fly by. The 2009 holidays went okay. This was the first Christmas in my memory which was canceled. The kids were with their father and I spent 3 days "holed up" in the apartment until I was able to dig out the car and the roads were safe to travel. This last month has been extremely cold where I live and the snow has been ridiculous. Why do I live here you ask? Because the ex husband won't let me take the kids and move. If I could, I would not be living here.
Holidays are definitely about family and friends. Where would you be without them? Still with the hectic holidays and people all around, if you are single, it can be a very lonely time.
In Angela Thomas' book, "My Single Mom Life" she states:
"I don’t think that other people believe that single moms are all that lonely. We've got kids who live with us, and those brilliant little minds are always coming up with a million things for us to do for them. And single moms are ridiculously busy, they reason so how could we be lonely? We are balancing and multi-tasking more than any sane human being should have to. But maybe that in itself is part of it. When you are holding up the world, all by yourself, fatigue sets in. Everyone assumes you can be strong because you are getting it all done, but no one wants to be that strong. And really no one should have to be. Eventually the fatigue is overwhelming, and being tired just makes you lonelier. "
That statement is very true. There are days I feel so exhausted from running around, trying to get kids to activities, work several jobs, paperwork for colleges, paperwork for study abroad programs, for transferring colleges, to still doing micro soccer, boy scouts, helping with homework, refereeing fights between siblings, picking kids up, carpooling, figuring out transportation to activities when you have to be working, doctors appointments, dentist appointments, the constant motion, sometimes you feel you can't even breathe. Then, when night hits, the loneliness sets in with a vengeance, and you break into tears unable to stop. Tears from sheer exhaustion because you feel you can't keep everything together anymore. Yes, single parents are busy. Yet they still feel terribly alone. But it is so hard for us to meet people. We can't just drop everything when someone calls and go out. We have to "pre plan" making it difficult for beginning a new relationship.
Loneliness can make an otherwise rational person do stupid things as well. Angela Thomas states: "They get on planes to meet strange men/ women they just "met" in a chat room. They begin to drink in the dark to mask the pain. Watch things they would not have been caught dead seeing before, and an entire assortment of other immoral, illicit, embarrassing behaviors. They become women they are not, just to feel something other than pain. When you are desperately empty and alone, you'll do almost anything to make that feeling go away. "
For me that statement hit the nail on the head. I became someone I was not to mask my pain. When I did not have the kids, I kept running and doing things I never would have done before in a million years so I would not be "alone". I bent over backwards for the guy I was with, doing things he wanted me to do which totally went against everything I was. Why did I do them? Because I thought he would leave me if I didn't. Guess what, he left anyway. One thing I learned, don’t become someone you are not for any man. If you have to do something immoral, illicit, and embarrassing just to keep him, he is not worth it. If you have to do something that goes against your principals as a person to keep a man, then he does not care one lick about you. Even though it may hurt to move on, move on. It may take awhile, but do not compromise yourself like I did just to not be lonely. It doesn't work. You still feel alone, and your self esteem plummets to the ground like never before. The key is to move on and eventually someday, you will find someone who is worth it, who won't let you compromise yourself, someone who loves you for you, someone who you can share your "grown up" heart with and then you won't be alone any more.
Until next time….
Holidays are definitely about family and friends. Where would you be without them? Still with the hectic holidays and people all around, if you are single, it can be a very lonely time.
In Angela Thomas' book, "My Single Mom Life" she states:
"I don’t think that other people believe that single moms are all that lonely. We've got kids who live with us, and those brilliant little minds are always coming up with a million things for us to do for them. And single moms are ridiculously busy, they reason so how could we be lonely? We are balancing and multi-tasking more than any sane human being should have to. But maybe that in itself is part of it. When you are holding up the world, all by yourself, fatigue sets in. Everyone assumes you can be strong because you are getting it all done, but no one wants to be that strong. And really no one should have to be. Eventually the fatigue is overwhelming, and being tired just makes you lonelier. "
That statement is very true. There are days I feel so exhausted from running around, trying to get kids to activities, work several jobs, paperwork for colleges, paperwork for study abroad programs, for transferring colleges, to still doing micro soccer, boy scouts, helping with homework, refereeing fights between siblings, picking kids up, carpooling, figuring out transportation to activities when you have to be working, doctors appointments, dentist appointments, the constant motion, sometimes you feel you can't even breathe. Then, when night hits, the loneliness sets in with a vengeance, and you break into tears unable to stop. Tears from sheer exhaustion because you feel you can't keep everything together anymore. Yes, single parents are busy. Yet they still feel terribly alone. But it is so hard for us to meet people. We can't just drop everything when someone calls and go out. We have to "pre plan" making it difficult for beginning a new relationship.
Loneliness can make an otherwise rational person do stupid things as well. Angela Thomas states: "They get on planes to meet strange men/ women they just "met" in a chat room. They begin to drink in the dark to mask the pain. Watch things they would not have been caught dead seeing before, and an entire assortment of other immoral, illicit, embarrassing behaviors. They become women they are not, just to feel something other than pain. When you are desperately empty and alone, you'll do almost anything to make that feeling go away. "
For me that statement hit the nail on the head. I became someone I was not to mask my pain. When I did not have the kids, I kept running and doing things I never would have done before in a million years so I would not be "alone". I bent over backwards for the guy I was with, doing things he wanted me to do which totally went against everything I was. Why did I do them? Because I thought he would leave me if I didn't. Guess what, he left anyway. One thing I learned, don’t become someone you are not for any man. If you have to do something immoral, illicit, and embarrassing just to keep him, he is not worth it. If you have to do something that goes against your principals as a person to keep a man, then he does not care one lick about you. Even though it may hurt to move on, move on. It may take awhile, but do not compromise yourself like I did just to not be lonely. It doesn't work. You still feel alone, and your self esteem plummets to the ground like never before. The key is to move on and eventually someday, you will find someone who is worth it, who won't let you compromise yourself, someone who loves you for you, someone who you can share your "grown up" heart with and then you won't be alone any more.
Until next time….
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)