Loneliness

Wow! I did not realize it has been so long since I have updated. Time sure does fly by. The 2009 holidays went okay. This was the first Christmas in my memory which was canceled. The kids were with their father and I spent 3 days "holed up" in the apartment until I was able to dig out the car and the roads were safe to travel. This last month has been extremely cold where I live and the snow has been ridiculous. Why do I live here you ask? Because the ex husband won't let me take the kids and move. If I could, I would not be living here.

Holidays are definitely about family and friends. Where would you be without them? Still with the hectic holidays and people all around, if you are single, it can be a very lonely time.

In Angela Thomas' book, "My Single Mom Life" she states:
"I don’t think that other people believe that single moms are all that lonely. We've got kids who live with us, and those brilliant little minds are always coming up with a million things for us to do for them. And single moms are ridiculously busy, they reason so how could we be lonely? We are balancing and multi-tasking more than any sane human being should have to. But maybe that in itself is part of it. When you are holding up the world, all by yourself, fatigue sets in. Everyone assumes you can be strong because you are getting it all done, but no one wants to be that strong. And really no one should have to be. Eventually the fatigue is overwhelming, and being tired just makes you lonelier. "

That statement is very true. There are days I feel so exhausted from running around, trying to get kids to activities, work several jobs, paperwork for colleges, paperwork for study abroad programs, for transferring colleges, to still doing micro soccer, boy scouts, helping with homework, refereeing fights between siblings, picking kids up, carpooling, figuring out transportation to activities when you have to be working, doctors appointments, dentist appointments, the constant motion, sometimes you feel you can't even breathe. Then, when night hits, the loneliness sets in with a vengeance, and you break into tears unable to stop. Tears from sheer exhaustion because you feel you can't keep everything together anymore. Yes, single parents are busy. Yet they still feel terribly alone. But it is so hard for us to meet people. We can't just drop everything when someone calls and go out. We have to "pre plan" making it difficult for beginning a new relationship.

Loneliness can make an otherwise rational person do stupid things as well. Angela Thomas states: "They get on planes to meet strange men/ women they just "met" in a chat room. They begin to drink in the dark to mask the pain. Watch things they would not have been caught dead seeing before, and an entire assortment of other immoral, illicit, embarrassing behaviors. They become women they are not, just to feel something other than pain. When you are desperately empty and alone, you'll do almost anything to make that feeling go away. "

For me that statement hit the nail on the head. I became someone I was not to mask my pain. When I did not have the kids, I kept running and doing things I never would have done before in a million years so I would not be "alone". I bent over backwards for the guy I was with, doing things he wanted me to do which totally went against everything I was. Why did I do them? Because I thought he would leave me if I didn't. Guess what, he left anyway. One thing I learned, don’t become someone you are not for any man. If you have to do something immoral, illicit, and embarrassing just to keep him, he is not worth it. If you have to do something that goes against your principals as a person to keep a man, then he does not care one lick about you. Even though it may hurt to move on, move on. It may take awhile, but do not compromise yourself like I did just to not be lonely. It doesn't work. You still feel alone, and your self esteem plummets to the ground like never before. The key is to move on and eventually someday, you will find someone who is worth it, who won't let you compromise yourself, someone who loves you for you, someone who you can share your "grown up" heart with and then you won't be alone any more.

Until next time….